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How to be alone

tanyaA video by fiilmaker, Andrea Dorfman, and poet/singer/songwriter, Tanya Davis.Davis wrote the beautiful poem and performed in the video which Dorfman directed, shot, animated by hand and edited.

The most amazing parts of this poem, according to my opinion:
1) "Society is afraid of alonedom, like lonely hearts are wasting away in basements, like people must have problems if, after a while, nobody is dating them. But lonely is a freedom that breaths easy and weightless and lonely is healing if you make it."
2) "It's okay if no one believes like you. All experience is unique, no one has the same synapses, can't think like you, for this be releived, keeps things interesting lifes magic things in reach."

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The lost years

Sometime we discover that we had different dreams about our life, completely different from the life we live now, abilities we never used, wisdom we had to suppress, values we forced to reject, a wonderful life we never lived up to now.

We see the lost years in front of our eyes.

After the first shock and the realization what life is about, there is a period of changes. We try to live our real life, fight with the negative elements (beliefs, patterns, programs etc.) and we stay very busy and very excited with all these wonderful things we discover. It's not easy; the process is long and painful sometimes. Some of us ask for help (I both ask and offer).

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The Intelligence of the Lizard

I want to talk about the people who know everything, who have all the answers ready from their childhood who judge and condemn without a second thought.
For the people who are still exploring the world, everything is open and possible and they create the opportunity to see life from many different points of view.
The reason I'm talking about the “intelligence of the lizard” is because, as we all know, lizards like all primitive animals are born ready to live, knowing everything they need to know about life. They can move in the world from the moment they come out of the egg.

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Fear of Success; is that a joke?

  looking_upI’m afraid it’s not. This is what most people are suffering from. I know, it sound absurd but it’s the most common reality in this world.
How does it appear?
You can see it on many people, or even on yourself:

  • - As self-sabotage, when things seem to go right you will just do the “right” movements for ruining everything,
  • - Burning the bridges that can connect you to the people who can help and build stronger connections to the ones that will keep you down on the ground,
  • - Procrastinating and avoiding everything that can give you results, no matter how pleasant or easy these actions can be,
  • - Keeping yourself busy with unimportant activities,
  • - Judging and rejecting ideas and thoughts that can have a positive influence in your life, usually with the excuse that they are not cool enough,
  • - Starting always from the beginning, like inventing the wheel every single time,
  • - Trying the same things again and again, even if you saw for thousands of times that they fail.

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The Roadblocks to successful relationship

 holding_handsMany people wonder why they don’t manage to be in a successful and happy relationship – marriage. They try again and again but the results are more or less the same.
On the other hand they see friends being much happier, much more relaxed and, the most important, very much accepted, respected and loved by their partners without any effort.
There are many traps that lead to the same old patterns and same old results. They are hidden well in the unconscious way of living and thinking. I am talking about the automatic reactions of a programmed mind and we all have programs running in our mind.
These roadblocks are common attitudes, that stop you on your way to a happy, fulfilling and meaningful relationship.
Some of these roadblocks are not just sabotaging a romantic relationship but also making life difficult in general.

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Roadblocks to successful relationship Nr 1: Playing Roles

charming_small

For many people playing roles is a natural way of living. In a world where everyone wants you to be someone else, you constantly transform yourself to whatever the others want to see, like a chameleon. And of course this temporarily raises your self-esteem. And I say temporarily because high self-esteem based on external conditions is not real, it’s not stable.
This is exactly the problem of the playing roles attitude; it is the result of low self-esteem. If you feel good about yourself you don’t need to play a role, you don’t have to show that you are someone else.
And since we talk about relationships. Playing roles is the worse thing you can do in there.
Relationship is an interaction between YOU and someone else, either this is a friend, a relative, a business partner or a lover. So if YOU are not there and you have a mask on your face in order to impress or just to feel accepted, then it is not your relationship and it is not going to last for long.

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Roadblocks to successful relationship Nr 2: Suppressing emotions

closup-coupleSuppressing emotions gives the exact opposite results from the desired ones. The reason for suppressing is because either you want you emotions to leave you in peace at this moment or because you don’t want, or cannot deal with them in general.

Most people have the feeling that by suppressing they get rid of the emotions. Making noise they push the fear away, being busy they avoid sadness, by moving all around they make anger disappear.
But whatever you suppress will return sooner or later.

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Roadblocks to successful relationship Nr 3: Sacrifice

awakeSacrifice is considered to be the ultimate prove of love anyone can offer. Music, literature, movies, fairy tales, art in general, but also religion and tradition talk about the sacrifice using the most inspired words.
But is it like this in reality?
My experience is completely different. Sacrifice is a tool for bonding people, for making someone belong to you.

See all the parents what did they sacrifice for their children and what do they want from them afterwards.
Remember also the phrase “I gave you the best years of my life” and think what does this person want in return.

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Roadblocks to successful relationship Nr 4: Great Expectations

superkissAs I said when I was talking about roadblock 3, sacrifice, the meaning of a relationship is “I accept you exactly as you are” and not “I want you to change”. This is why expecting something from the person you connect with, almost always leads to disappointment and pain.
To my opinion expectation is a highly conservative attitude. You expect someone to be a certain way when you cannot stand anything different from what you are or what you have experienced in your life. You are not open to explore life and anything new.
Just observe almost everything living on earth. Every creature, every species tries to be complete by “meeting” the opposite or supplementary. Can you see that trying to change someone in order to feel safe is against this natural way?

But I’m not asking you to control your behavior. I will never ask you this!

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Roadblocks to successful relationship Nr 5: Wanting to be right

statueEvery really wise person will ask this question: do you prefer to be right or happy? Well most of us prefer to be right even if unhappiness is coming from this desire. And I can understand this.
First of all this is a world built on attack and defense. Everything is based on right or wrong, there are always wars running in many parts of this planet, and everything has to do with who is right and who is not.
Then it is the idea that by defending yourself you will survive and since life is unfair you always need to fight for survival.
Yes! The experience of all the people who fight for survival, or for being right is that people constantly fight them back. So according to their experience they are right.

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Roadblocks to successful relationship Nr 6: Trying to be Safe

hidingTrying to be safe in a relationship makes you often keep your partner in a distance. The imaginary, or not, fear of being hurt, abused, exploited or exposed, makes you live part of your life and not the whole thing.
The question is why did you start this relationship, to be safe or to live and enjoy it? And are you ever really safe?

If you really want to have a worthy relationship, and I guess that's why you are reading this,  you need to be fully open to your partner and this way make him/her open him/herself. On the other hand if this is impossible then you have to go away.

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Roadblocks to successful relationship Nr 7: Taking your partner for Granted

ignoringA relationship is supposed to be alive. It’s not a solid foundation that you built and it will stay there forever, you need to participate and nourish it.
Many people think that by ignoring their partner they show their power and their freedom. In reality they refuse to see the truth.
Ignoring your partner it’s like closing your eyes, and when you close your eyes anything can happen.

The truth is that nobody belongs to you and you belong to nobody. Everyone is free to stay or to go, and attitudes like, demands, jealousy, abuse or ignoring are not offering anything to the relationship, in fact the opposite, they take away whatever has being built.

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Controlling is weakness

whistlerSurprise! I mean it. Many people think that controlling is power, they couldn’t be more wrong.
Power is trust, power is giving space to the talents or the strengths of the others, power is trusting that you deserve the respect of the others without terrorizing them.

One of the main cases where people try to control is parenthood. When the child is very little of course the parents have to control, because of safety and learning. But a teenager needs space to develop self-control, self-esteem and understanding of the world.

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Do you feel threatened?

desperationDo you think that everyone around you is a potential threat? Do you observe that they never offer you what you want or need in your life? Do you allow your thoughts and emotions to be dominated by the fear, the negativity, and ultimately the hate against people who never take care of you and they just want to abuse you?

Well let’s reverse the question. What are you offering?
What are the excellence and the greatness that you offer to the world, that you offer to the people around you (when you don’t defend yourself from what’s threatening you)?

The fear that you feel and the anger about the people who don’t respect you or who are against you, keeps you busy from fulfilling your life dreams and purpose.
You have so much to offer.

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Who runs your business?

sleeping_businessI can hear you saying loud “But of course me!”
Maybe you will even be offended that someone asks this question.

Well it’s not sure that you are running your business, and this is very dangerous.
Who is in charge? Different programs, subconscious thoughts and beliefs, guilt, fear, selfishness, insecurity, the need to prove your value, your parents most probably, anyway the chance that you yourself are running your business is very small.

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Walking labels

labeledMost of us look at people and immediately stick a label on them. Beautiful, blond, fat, silly, strong, arrogant, dark… and we stick them without knowing anything about these people.

Of course I believe that the first impression is very important and if the intuition is offering the insight and the information then it is absolutely true.

But intuition doesn’t put labels. Labels are put by the ego.
Intuition does not judge, just gives information. Ego judges, trying to make others feel bad, in order to make us feel good (!!!).

Many think that they are smart by putting labels; there is a whole way of thinking where you are cool by just judging everybody around.
Well that’s not cool.

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One million promises

carrotI noticed the last days the great difference between the period after the summer holidays and the rest of the year.
At the end of August people are in good mood, full of hopes about their jobs, their relationships. They are ready to open up and expand their lives.
I also noticed that people get up early and go to their job in time, or even earlier.
Another thing that happens now, right after the summer, is that people give lots of promises. Promises about new projects, about giving money, about moving a relationship into a new level, about being in good mood this year, and many more. And they are ready to keep them.
As the winter comes there is a chain reaction of broken promises. The first people who start feeling tired break their promises and slowly one after the other people get disappointed, unreliable and at the end they disappoint everyone around them.

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Things they don't teach you at school

 

schoolBill Gates made a list of 11 things they don’t teach at school. I agree with a few of them, not for the reasons he mentioned though. These are with Bill's numbering:

1 Life is not fair…get used to it.
Well, it's not! Waiting for justice in order to become happy you will just see life slipping through your hands.

10 Television is NOT real life.
Not only because in real life people actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to work, as Bill says, but also because television is business and people get paid to play or say certain things. Most of them are lies, you don’t have to believe them.

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Identification with your gifts

beautyMany people fall into the trap to take all the gifts of life as granted, and when they start losing them they lose the ground under their feet.
Beauty, wealth, health, luck, power, all these are just gifts that may come or may not.
None of them make you better person, and if you are missing them you are not a worse person.
If you think that these gifts will last forever you may base your happiness and high self-esteem more on the existence of these gifts and less on your right to be just the way they are.
The arrogance that comes from having these gifts appears because you think that they will last forever and also that by having them you are better persons. The result is that you hurt people around you by showing superiority to the others and by becoming snob or even hostile.

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"Your daughter is not sick, she is a dancer!"

studyThere are lots of stories about famous or not so famous people with ADD and ADHD. Since these “disorders” are being mentioned a lot lately I think it's important to see as many aspects as possible.
My experience is that all people with learning difficulties are highly sensitive. If they were not having this fine tuned nervous system they wouldn't face difficulties. They would just live “normally” without even thinking that something is wrong.
And there is nothing wrong, indeed. It's just that some people are different. There is no disorder, ADD and ADHD are not sicknesses, just labels.

To see the real meaning let's see some famous stories.

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